No. 5 | The Power of Lovin'
How Love and Relationships affect the physical being - Valentine's Day Special
Whether you reduce love to nothing more than a biochemical cocktail or a truly spiritual experience, no one can deny that romantic and familial love alike are healing forces. Love provides comfort, protection and a sacred space that facilitates healing; phycological and physical.
In our bustling and busy modern lives we are often forcefully reminded to be fiercely independent, to drop attachments in order to explore our sexuality and distance ourselves from family to forge a callous and ‘experienced’ character. Yet once again, we are more isolated, and more unwell, than ever. The power of relationships has been recently brought to light by a sudden general interest in longevity - prompted by the new Blue Zones documentary (which contains a lot of bullshit in regard to diet, by the way) and the unfolding journey of an obsessive Billionaire attempting to age backwards (Brian Johnson).
It doesn’t take a scientist to recognise how an individual with multiple deep and strong relationships is more likely to be psychologically better off; spaces to destress in the protection of trusted others, the ability to vent and express honest emotion - and for those emotions to be heard and of course, the quick access to help in times of mental or physical distress. We are, after all, social animals, conditioned by our parents by way of love, play and discipline. From eye contact, soft voices and hugs from mother to child, to play and roughhousing with father and peers, interactions in our childhood shape our psych. It is in our early infancy when our nervous system is tuned to cope with internal and external stressors.
When we are born, our nervous system, in conjunction with the brain, has a few baseline reflexes and reactions built in but for the most part requires some input to start building data. Early interactions with the mother are a good example; Mother holds child close, skin to skin, looks into child’s eyes and whispers softly to them. Here, a child learns of their first comforts - non-stressors; skin contact, an embrace, eye contact and quiet noises. From here it’s easy to extrapolate the stressors that can cause discomfort or be considered ‘stressful’ (as not all are necessarily stressful but don’t provide feelings of comfort); lack of eye contact, loud noises and physical distance. I myself, have always hated loud noises, even at festivals or events where they are to be expected. My nervous system is tuned to associate them with danger and triggers a fight or flight response. Consistent flight or fight means constant elevation of stress hormones such as adrenaline, which means dysregulated cortisol, which leads to inflammation and physical illness. So in one paragraph, we can see how your relationship with your Mother can lead to physical illness. If you’re reading this and are panicked that you are too large to be picked up by your Mother to try and heal some aged wounds and illness, have no fear, because there’s a bit more to it.
We are not just social animals, we are tribal animals. Our relationships with our non immediate family and friends are as important as those with our immediate family, especially as we get older. Our social tuning is performed through play, sex and conversation. Play starts young, and is complimented by eye contact, from our Mother we know eye contact means safety, allowing rough play to be fun, a lack of eye contact is more common in actual altercation - even in combat sports, eye contact is commonplace, it reminds the fighters that neither want to actually murder each other (search for Tyson biting of Holyfield’s ear - he drops eye contact a moment before). Play allows us to bond with new people, but also continues to tune the same nervous responses; loud noises and physical contact in a non threatening environment, perfecting our stress responses to differentiate between actual stress, and conditioned unnecessary stress.
Sex (bar grief) is the most powerful relationship related experience. A combination of physical sensation, play, noise and a barrage of biochemical activity that frequently dominates your consciousness. A sexual partner with whom a deep connection is shared is a powerful agent of nervous tuning. The sex itself is deeply therapeutic emotionally and physically, but it’s the relationship with the individual where the de - stressing space is created. For many, the only time when they can truly express their deepest self is with their partner, and the lack of this space is where problems arise.
It has only dawned on me recently the profound comfort I feel when I’m at home with my family or with my partner. Only since becoming more internally aware in a somatic (mind-body) sense do I now experience the physical benefits of being in such relationships.
What to take away
Touch: Hug your parents, hug your friends. Give them a proper squeeze. Have sex with your partner(s) - but avoid bad sex (if you can) - this can lead to dysregulation and some trauma. Hug a dog.
Play: Play sports with friends. Play fight with someone.
Connect: Express yourself to friends and family. Hear their emotions too. Deepen your relationships actively. Eat meals with others.
Love: Allow yourself to love, yourself and others. Allow the healing spaces to be created, you will not be the only benefactor.
Mind and body are one; stress in the mind is inflammation in the body. Nourish both. Your nervous system works both ways but you need others to perform the tuning.